Another Clarence-the-Angel Mission*
FADE IN.
EXT. HEAVEN, DAY
It is a bright day above a misty
cloudscape. We hear someone huffing and puffing, and out of the
heavenly mist we find CLARENCE, the It’s a Wonderful Life angel,
in a lovely lemon Lycra yoga outfit. He is panting and pumping away
on an exercise bike.
CLARENCE
(sing-song)
“Give
that chicken fat back to the chicken, and don’t be chicken again!”
Hah-hah, Hee-hee, Hah-hah-heee! ’Tis a fabulous angel’s life for
me!
CLARENCE
dismounts the bike, smoothing down his garment tenderly and fluffing
out his wings.
CLARENCE
Well
that should be enough. And if I get tired, I can always fly.
GLINDA,
THE WITCH OF THE NORTH (voice-over)
Did
you bring your broomstick?
CLARENCE
What?
Huh? Broomstick? Yes, I’m sure. Well, probably. I think Dorothy
brought the whole house with her. Right, she brought the house
down—in that twister thingy. I’d rather have a bubble like yours,
though. Pink. Mmmm...
CLARENCE’s
eyes begin to mist as he falls into a reverie over the beautiful pink
bubble the Good Witch Glinda travels in.
MARLEY
(voice-over)
Try
Lyft, use the “bubble” filter when you search.
CLARENCE
Oh,
good idea.
He
reaches into his pocket for his phone, peers at it, whacks it against
his thigh, and aims it down into the cloudscape below.
CLARENCE
Why
should it be so hard to get a signal up here?
MARLEY
(voice-over)
We
didn’t make that stuff. They
did.
CLARENCE
Oh,
right, of course. Oh well.
He
puts the device back in his pocket, straightens his hair, and stands
at attention as a burst of thunder and lightning flash-transitions to
reveal MR. JORDAN.
JORDAN
is
the debonair chief of all mid-level angelic activity here in this
sector of Heaven, lovingly known as the bureau of Rewrites of Wronged
Fictions, or ROWF.
He
is followed by MARLEY, the late business partner of Scrooge, who
bears a striking resemblance to BIFF, the mischievous Back
to the Future
clockblocker and time-travel troublemaker.
JORDAN
carries a clipboard and checks the records regarding his next
assignment for CLARENCE.
JORDAN
Ah,
darling Clarence, I see, ready as usual. Now this assignment—(he
eyes CLARENCE’s yoga gear)—um,
I don’t want to sound like your mother, but is that what you’re
wearing?
MARLEY
snorts derisively.
JORDAN
Now,
Biff, don’t be derisive. Please find a nice pair of denim overalls
for our dear warrior for the Souls Left Behind.
MARLEY
exits.
CLARENCE
Overalls?
You mean like a spiffy jumpsuit? Oh, smashing! But denim, really?
Isn’t that a bit—too—too much texture?
CLARENCE
scratches his legs nervously.
JORDAN
Now,
now, my darling fashionista. There will be no sweetheart necklines or
satin ruching in this assignment. You must assimilate into your
milieu to unobtrusively effect the required alteration to the
timeline the nefarious Rittenhouse composed, no doubt to— You seem
confused, dear one.
CLARENCE
Well,
to be truthful, Mr. Jordan, Tom
Sawyer didn’t
have such big words in it, and I just want to know what I need to do.
JORDAN
Of
course, my dear. (Clearing
his throat) Well,
the time has come at last. We’re going to go after the Big One. The
Wickedess Majorous Westernaturas.
CLARENCE
Are
any of those real words?
JORDAN
Your
client for this mission, Angel Clarence, is one Miss Gulch. Elvira
Gulch, aka the Wicked Witch of the West.
A
loud clap of thunder is heard, accompanied by the wicked-witch theme
song.
MARLEY
returns with the overalls, which are a medium-toned sepia color. With
another flash of lightning and rumble of thunder, CLARENCE is now
wearing the brown overalls, and he, too, is drained of his usual rosy
complexion.
CLARENCE
Oh,
dear. I confess I’m a little disappointed. So I’ll be going under
the rainbow, not over it?
JORDAN
“Kansas,
she said, is the name of her star.” Off you go, darling. And
remember, you must get to the heart of the character’s motivation.
Find out why
Elvira Gulch was wicked, and you’ll soon find the solution for
saving her soul. You must understand the psychology of the
individual, as our friend Angel Jeeves used to say.
JORDAN
launches a wipe-transition effect, which is musical and colorful,
flashing CLARENCE through the rainbow and down to
INT.
KANSAS FARMHOUSE, DAY
DOROTHY
has just woken up from her cyclone-induced concussion dream in the
colorful land of Oz. Her sepia-toned bedroom is filled with her
sepia-toned friends and family: PROFESSOR MARVEL, AUNTIE EM and UNCLE
HENRY, and farmhands HUNK, HICKORY, and ZEKE.
CLARENCE
joins the scene quietly and unobtrusively, standing outside the
window next to PROF. MARVEL. Pleased with himself, he has transformed
the overalls into a tidy two-button suit.
DOROTHY
(mid-revelation)
Oh,
but it was a very real place! And most of it was beautiful! (Pointing
at each in the room) And you,
and you, and you, and you were all there— And (spotting
CLARENCE’s wings) and you!!
DOROTHY
lets out a frightened yelp, and ALL turn toward CLARENCE, who quickly
tucks his wings back out of sight.
AUNTIE
EM
Now
who the devil are you? If Elvira Gulch sent you for the dog, we don’t
have him. She took him before the storm.
DOROTHY
He
did
take Toto! That’s the flying monkey who took Toto to the witch’s
castle! Oh, you humbug! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Friends
and family in the room chuckle a bit over DOROTHY’s continued
insistence on the reality of the dream sequence.
CLARENCE
Flying
what?
No, no, no, my dear, I’m afraid you’re quite mistaken. But I am
here on Miss Gulch’s behalf. Is she here?
UNCLE
HENRY
Now
why would Miss Gulch be here, except to foreclose on our farm?
DOROTHY
looks worriedly around the room.
DOROTHY
But
no, Toto came back to me! He came back! That’s when we ran away.
And Professor Marvel was going to bring us back home in his balloon
from the state fair, but he flew away without us.
AUNTIE
EM readjusts the cold compress on DOROTHY’s forehead.
AUNTIE
EM
There,
there, we all think strange things when we— Wait a minute, where is
Toto?
TOTO
trots into the room carrying a woman’s shoe, dropping it on
DOROTHY’s bed. They play happily together.
CLARENCE
Nice
pump. Mid-heel, flattering ankle strap, practical, and not too gaudy
for this era.
HUNK
and HICKORY snicker. ZEKE takes the shoe and examines it, then
self-consciously drops it back on DOROTHY’s bed.
MARLEY
(voice-over)
Dandelion.
JORDAN
(voice-over)
Now,
Biff—
UNCLE
HENRY
Whew.
Well, at least I don’t think he’s Gulch’s juice man.
PROF.
MARVEL
In
the vernacular of the Chicago mob. (Turning
to CLARENCE) So
why are
you here? Wait, wait, don’t tell me! Let me consult my crystal. (He
retrieves the crystal ball from his bag.)
So, ahem, is everyone in tune with the infinite?
AUNTIE
EM
Stuff
and nonsense. Now will all of you please leave. Dorothy’s had
enough excitement for one day. And that storm didn’t do that yard
any good. (Glaring
at HUNK and HICKORY)
And get woke, will you two please!
HUNK,
HICKORY, and ZEKE say toodles to DOROTHY and exit to do their
farmhand thing.
PROF.
MARVEL (tipping
his hat)
Now
I’ll be running along, too. Glad to know the little lady made it
home all right. (Exits,
winking to DOROTHY.)
AUNTIE
EM
Now,
Dorothy, I’ve a good mind to scold you—you and little Toto—but
you’ve been through a lot. You just rest now. (Noticing
CLARENCE loitering in the window.)
I beg your pardon, sir. Where are my manners? Won’t you come in?
How can we help? You don’t need a job here now, do you? Henry, help
this little man find his way to the front door.
A
flash of lightning and bolt of thunder move the action along to:
INT.
FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM, DAY
The
Gale family farmhouse is still a bit of a mess after the storm, and
TOTO playfully scampers through the debris, pretending to bury and
unbury anything that fits in his mouth. CLARENCE jots notes in a
small notebook as AUNTIE EM and UNCLE HENRY answer his questions.
AUNTIE
EM
I
don’t really know what else I can tell you, Mr. Clarence. Elvira
Gulch is just the meanest witch in the county, always has been. No
one goes near her. Not even the men working for her. All she cares
about is that silly garden of hers.
CLARENCE
Garden?
Well that’s something to go on. She cares about the garden, does
she?
AUNTIE
EM
Yes,
though what flower or vegetable or weed dares grow there, I’m sure
I have no earthly notion.
UNCLE
HENRY
Weed,
eh? Heh. A little pharmaceutical farming, my guess. No wonder she’s
upset with Toto. Maybe that’s what he’s been digging around there
for.
CLARENCE
What
else can you tell me about Miss Gulch? I’m trying to learn the
psychology of the individual.
DOROTHY
enters sheepishly and sleepily, rubbing her eyes.
CLARENCE
Miss
Dorothy, why don’t you tell me about your dream— that is, your
visit to this rainbow place. Was Miss Gulch there, too?
DOROTHY
I
think so. She was mad at me. She thought I stole her shoes or
something. Oh, and there was the thing about me killing her sister.
She was pretty mad about that, too.
CLARENCE
I
can imagine! And then what happened?
DOROTHY
Well,
she tried to set my friend on fire, and like I said, her flying
monkey kidnapped Toto first, then me, and we were in her castle with
a— um, an egg timer? No, it was an hour glass. And she said
something weird.
CLARENCE,
AUNTIE EM, and UNCLE HENRY lean in to hear.
DOROTHY
She
said, “How kind of you to visit me in my loneliness!” But real
sneery and sarcastic-like. And she had Toto in her lap and was
petting him, but like she didn’t know how to pet a dog right and
might hurt him.
JORDAN
(voice-over)
That’s
It!!!
AUNTIE
EM and UNCLE HENRY look around to see who said that, then turn to
CLARENCE for explanation.
CLARENCE
(mimicking JORDAN’s
voice)
That’s
It!!!
JORDAN
(voice-over,
only CLARENCE hears)
Yes,
it is, now get on your bike and get going.
CLARENCE
Thank
you very much for your time, Mr. and Mrs. Gale. I believe I have all
I need. Can’t keep Mr. Jordan—er, Miss Gulch waiting.
DOROTHY
I’ll
see you out, sir. You’re not really a flying monkey. I see that
now.
CLARENCE
Thank
you.
DOROTHY
Come
on, Toto.
AUNTIE
EM
Don’t
forget his leash, young lady. That’s what got you into trouble in
the first place!
Thunder
booms, lightning flashes, and we swipe right to:
EXT.
MISS GULCH’S HOUSE, DAY
A
quaint Victorian gingerbread-style house (all in sepia tones—still
in Kansas, you know) is surrounded by a well-kept yard, surrounded by
spiked ironwork fencing with a heavily bolted gate.
A
few workers in vaguely military uniforms buzz about the place but
disappear as the owner/mistress of the house appears, gardening tools
in hand.
MISS
GULCH dives into a spot in the garden just where the ground meets the
foundation of the house. There are other spots along the house’s
perimeter that seem to have been dug up, but abandoned. She is busy
filling the hole when CLARENCE and DOROTHY ride up to the fence and
park their bikes. DOROTHY carefully takes a leash out of the basket
on her bike and fastens it to TOTO’s collar. The three step up to
the gate, peering through it to see MISS GULCH at work.
DOROTHY
(loudly,
pretending to read a sign)
“Bell
out of order. Please knock.”
MISS
GULCH (looking
up)
Whipper-snapper!
I suppose you’ve come to beg me for mercy for your mangy little
dog.
TOTO
ROWF!!
CLARENCE
(to TOTO)
Yes,
boy, I remember. “Rewrites of Wronged Fictions.”
(to
MISS GULCH)
Good
afternoon, Miss, may my young friend and I have a moment of your
time?
MISS
GULCH stands and brushes herself off. Seeing CLARENCE, she
straightens her hair and discreetly pinches her cheeks to a rosy
(less sepia) hue.
MISS
GULCH
How
kind of you to visit me in my loneliness. Well, I suppose you had
better come in off the street where my nosy neighbors can see (she
speaks louder) and
hear all my business with a gentleman caller. (To
DOROTHY) Just
keep that mangy little beast tied up. Tie him to that tree over
there, where he can’t bite me again.
MISS
GULCH opens the gate and lets CLARENCE and DOROTHY in. DOROTHY goes
to tie TOTO’s leash to the tree, as TOTO squirms unwillingly.
DOROTHY
goes exploring around the yard, which has many winged-monkey-shaped
garden ornaments in various sinister and silly poses.
CLARENCE
follows MISS GULCH to a wrought-iron seat under the shade of another
tree.
MISS
GULCH
You
look very familiar to me, Mr. Clarence. Are you sure we haven’t met
before?
CLARENCE
I’m
told I resemble a flying monkey. But I assure you, my means of
transport does not involve those
kinds of wings. Tell me, have you lived in this house very long?
MISS
GULCH
This
is the Gulch Family Estate, which I inherited from the trust
following the unfortunate demise of my sister.
A
sudden gust of wind startles MISS GULCH, who leaps into CLARENCE’s
arms. She regains her composure.
MISS
GULCH
I
don’t know why, but the wind kicks up from the East every time I
mention my sister.
The
gust of wind repeats itself.
DOROTHY
runs up to CLARENCE and MISS GULCH with TOTO’s leash in her hand.
DOROTHY
Oh,
no, I’m so sorry, Miss Gulch, but Toto’s escaped again!
MISS
GULCH
That
mutt must have been Houdini in a previous life! Well, where is he? Go
and fetch him before he starts digging under my house again.
DOROTHY
starts to run off again but stops.
DOROTHY
Under
your house? I thought you said before he was digging in your garden.
MISS
GULCH (flustered)
Yes,
of course, quite right, the part of my garden that goes right up to
the house. See all those holes over there? That’s where he’s been
digging. I’ve been trying to fill up those holes, but every day
when you come by, there he is digging up in another spot.
CLARENCE
Miss
Gulch, if you don’t mind my asking. What happened to your sister?
The
Easterly gust of wind blows again.
MISS
GULCH (sobbing)
It’s
this house. This miserable, lonely house. You see, it used to be just
over there. But a dozen years ago or so, I reckon, there was a big
twister that blew in from the East. It picked up the whole house and
dropped it down, ker-PLOP,
right here. Right on my dear little Annabelle! All that was left was
one little shoe. Here, I’ll show you.
MISS
GULCH leads the mystified CLARENCE and DOROTHY into the house.
INT.
MISS GULCH’S PARLOR, DAY
MISS
GULCH removes some books from a built-in bookcase to reveal a secret
safe. She turns the dial this way and that, then that way and this
again, numbers aligning just so. At last she opens the safe and draws
out a fine mesh bag and hands it to DOROTHY.
MISS
GULCH
Here,
my fine little neighbor. Open it. Reveal my sorrow.
DOROTHY
opens the bag and holds out a shoe: a young lady’s pump. Mid-heel,
flattering ankle strap. Practical, and not too gaudy for the era.
DOROTHY
But,
what happened to the ruby slippers?
CLARENCE
You
dream in color, don’t you?
TOTO
(off screen)
ROWF!!
ALL
turn their eyes to TOTO, who is tugging at a curtain over a closet
hidden behind a large bureau.
MISS
GULCH
No!
No! Pay no attention to the boxes behind that curtain!
DOROTHY
goes to investigate. TOTO is keen on one particular box in the
closet, which DOROTHY drags to the middle of the room. She dips both
hands into it and draws out fists full of bright, ruby red sequins.
CLARENCE
(mesmerized)
Oooooo!
DOROTHY
What
in the world?
CLARENCE
It’s
the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my whole entire—well,
“life,” if you will.
DOROTHY
looks suspiciously at MISS GULCH, who buries her face in her hands in
shame.
MISS
GULCH
These
were Annabelle’s. It was her dream. She was going to start a
business. She wanted to make Kansas the glamour capital of the
Western frontier.
CLARENCE
With
Kinky Pumps? Oh my, so sad, so sad.
TOTO
ROWF!!
CLARENCE
Oh,
yes, the rewrite. Hmm, what to do, what to do. If only we could go
back in time, warn Annabelle about the coming twister, and get
everyone into the storm shelter before the house drops on her.
TOTO
scampers off and returns quickly with the matching little shoe he
previously deposited on DOROTHY’s bed. He drops it into the box of
ruby sequins.
MISS
GULCH
The
shoe! The shoe! This blessed little puppy found her other shoe!
CLARENCE
You
could still make Annabelle’s dream come true, if you wish, Miss
Gulch.
MISS
GULCH
I
hadn’t her talent. No, Annabelle was the one with all the magic.
(The East wind
gusts.)
I only succeeded through—
DOROTHY
Bullying
people. That’s no way to be. You should be ashamed of yourself.
MISS
GULCH (sobbing)
I
can’t change the way I am. It’s too late.
MR.
JORDAN (voice-over)
Ahem.
Clarence, dear, do you need help? You seem to be inhibited by an
inability to envision alternative timelines, shifting paradigms,
quantum leaping, and—that is, I’m sending you reinforcements.
Scene-changing
lightning and thunder—and a weird, steampunk kind of mechanical
blast—take us back to
EXT.
GULCH’S YARD, DAY
A
large mechanical orb—shaped like the Prof. Marvel’s helium
balloon from the state fair—has suddenly appeared in the yard. MISS
GULCH, DOROTHY, TOTO, and CLARENCE all rush out from the house in
astonishment to investigate.
JORDAN
(voice-over)
“Bell
out of order. Please knock.”
TOTO
ROWF!!
DOROTHY
approaches the orb, and as she reaches to knock on the hatch, it
sweeps open with a clank, kicking up a cloud of nanoparticles.
Through
the mist of the time machine’s hatch steps out MARLEY, old
Scrooge’s partner, at last sent on his first real soul-saving
mission. He is wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with the phrase
#CLOCKBLOCKER.
Accompanying
him are slightly older versions of DOROTHY, MISS GULCH, TOTO, and
CLARENCE.
The
sets of double characters regard each other and themselves in
mystification.
MARLEY
Well?
What are you waiting for? You guys wanna save Annabelle, or what?
The
Easterly wind whooshes as we
FADE
OUT.
*To read more of Clarence the Wonderful Life Angel's adventures, visit:
Saving Mr. Potter
Christmas Belle, or: Saving Miss Fezziwig
Saving Mr. Sawyer
Saving Mr. Jordan
Saving "Big" Susan
