As has happened to the best of films and the worst of films, perfectly good scenes sometimes get cut for time or other considerations, leaving the lives of some characters unhappily in the balance. Our mission, since we have undertaken it, is to put right these lives that were once put wrong.
As always, the agent of these remedies is the divine Angel Clarence, introduced to us in the faraway, long-ago Capra galaxy, It’s a Wonderful Life. He is typically guided by Mr. Jordan of black-and-white vintage, but there’s a problem.
EXT. HEAVEN. NEITHER NOW NOR THEN, HERE NOR THERE
Materializing through the heavenly mists, our beloved MR. JORDAN can be seen leaning contemplatively upon a cloud. He pulls a nifty little multipurpose device from his breast pocket, subjecting it to a series of taps and swipes with the tip of his ginormous AngelWing.
ANGEL CLARENCE wanders into the scene, distracted by similar activity on a similar nifty device. He trips over JORDAN’s wing tips. The shoes, I mean. CLARENCE scrambles quickly to attention as JORDAN puts his device back in his pocket.
CLARENCE
Oh dear, oh dear, I’m so terribly sorry, Mr. Jordan. I was just catching up on the new season of Project Runway. That unconventional materials challenge gets me every time! (He straightens his AngelWear gown.) Wish we could try something less conventional here. Just once in a while. Just a suggestion. Is something the matter, sir?
MR. JORDAN
I’m glad to see you, darling Clarence. I’ve just been contemplating our upcoming assignment, but I’m afraid that I will have to recuse myself.
CLARENCE
Excuse yourself?
MR. JORDAN
Re-cuse. That is, to remove myself from participating directly in an intervention, due to my partiality.
CLARENCE
Golly, I would have thought partiality is what we needed. I’m partial to pink, for instance. But I see you’re not quite in the pink yourself.
MR. JORDAN
“In the pink.” That has become a most tiresome expression. It was in the vernacular of a blacker-and-whiter era than our present condition. But it does bring me to the point, to introduce my replacement. I have summoned a noble spirit who has also previously played my role, in my name, and done so with honor, grace, and agility.
CLARENCE
Oh, you mean like when they switched Darrins on Bewitched?
MR. JORDAN swooshes his mighty AngelWing and disappears, revealing a slightly more recent version of himself.
CLARENCE staggers backward slightly. NEW MR. JORDAN looks around, brushes his suit off, and catches sight of CLARENCE. They recognize each other from a previous mission.
CLARENCE
Ah! Oh! Uh-oh.
JORDAN
Do not be alarmed, dear one. Clarence, isn’t it? I accept full responsibility for the Scut Farkus affair. It was a matter of probability and outcome. In any attempt to correct the balance of good and evil in a system as chaotic as that place they call the White House … well, it’s best we not talk politics at this point. Fair?
CLARENCE
Oh yes, fair indeedy! And if I may say so, sir, I am very relieved to be staying on this side of the rainbow for this mission. I spent a hundred and fifty years or so in black and white, and it’s a joy indeed to experience so much color! I am partial to pink, you know.
CLARENCE twirls the skirt of his AngelWear ballgown, a silhouette he had not previously attempted. JORDAN picks up a clipboard and glances at it quickly, then puts it down again.
JORDAN
You don’t use these anymore, do you?
CLARENCE
Goodness, no, we have all sorts of upgrades to update. Here, please, borrow mine.
JORDAN and CLARENCE peer studiously into the viewer in the nifty device. CLARENCE dramatically waves his wing across the surface and casts the image onto a nearby puff of cloud. Sadly, it is black and white. The image, I mean. CLARENCE sighs.
JORDAN
Now, now, dear one. We’re here because it’s never too late to correct a mistake, to heal a broken heart, to retrieve a soul left desolate on the cutting room floor of Life. Now, then. Let’s see who we have here.
Through the mists of heavy filters, what might have been a dream sequence in a less-capable cinematographer’s mitts quickly clarifies and adjusts to reveal a distinguished gentleman of maturing vintage arriving at the door of a past-expiration-vintage mansion in Boston—the right part of Boston, where the world is small by comparison. On closer inspection, the gentleman bears an uncanny resemblance to our own black-and-white MR. JORDAN.
CLARENCE looks surprised; NEW MR. JORDAN does not.
CLARENCE
Is this, um, what-do-you-call-it. Is it one of those past life recessions?
JORDAN
Regression? Not exactly. But you’re on the right track, darling Clarence. Have we never told you the story of the Voyager?
CLARENCE (raising and waving his hand eagerly)
Oh, oh! Is it the one about the Voyager—from the poem? Let me see, how did it go. We memorized it in school. “Something, something, duh-da-da something, Now Voyager, sail thou forth.”
JORDAN
Yes, “Sail thou forth to seek and find.”
CLARENCE
Oh, and he didn’t find, did he?
JORDAN
Oh he found, all right. But she whom he found seems to have missed finding him.
CLARENCE
“Whom”?
JORDAN and CLARENCE resume watching the story unfold, in synopsis, on the giant cloudy projection.
JORDAN
Meet Dr. Jaquith, by the way. Even his author forgot to give him a first name.
CLARENCE
I always liked “George” for a first name. George Washington, George Cohan, George Bu- (JORDAN frowns warningly) uh, Bailey. Right, no politics.
ON CLOUD VIEW, we see JAQUITH entering the Vale home, meeting shy and mousy spinster CHARLOTTE VALE. She cowers at the sight of her domineering mother and rushes upstairs to her room. JAQUITH follows, and she allows him to enter. He casually examines objects in her room, focusing on a beautifully carved ivory box (don’t judge—ivory trade was legal back in black-and-white days).
JAQUITH holds the box up to admire its craftsmanship, showering praise upon CHARLOTTE’s skill. Receiving such praise for the first time in her life, she gazes at the kind man she has unexpectedly found in her life. JORDAN nods quietly at the view and stops the action.
JORDAN
I’d like you to take a close look at these two souls, dear Clarence. Miss Charlotte Vale and Dr. Jaquith.
CLARENCE
Nice faces. Not exactly Romeo and Juliet. Or Jack and Rose. But I like ’em. I like Charlotte and George. Er, Jaquith.
JORDAN unpauses the view and we quickly recap the tale:
- CHARLOTTE goes to JAQUITH’s asylum—er, spa—in the country and blossoms under his treatment, which largely consists of his kind words, his kind eyes twinkling constant approval, and her learning to weave.
- CHARLOTTE leaves the asylum—er, spa—and takes a cruise to South America, now transmogrified butterfly-like into a beautiful and sophisticated traveler, attracting the attention of sophisticated—and married—fellow traveler JERRY. Driving through the jungle, they fall off a cliff and fall in love.
- Too noble to leave his wife for her, JERRY instead teaches CHARLOTTE to smoke. Like, a lot. Somehow this is very sexy.
- CHARLOTTE comes home alone to resume life under her domineering mother, but now with strength and self-confidence. She pushes back on the old lady’s demands and, to get even with her disobedient daughter, the old lady dies.
- Guilt-ridden, CHARLOTTE flees back to JAQUITH’s spa (but not into his arms; good doctors have rules about such things, as might a married man, you’d think).
- At this spa, CHARLOTTE meets and befriends JERRY’s daughter TINA, a kid who is also tormented by her domineering mother.
- CHARLOTTE blossoms again by becoming a surrogate mother to needy TINA, taking her home to Boston. TINA blossoms under her Jaquith-like kind care and attention.
- JAQUITH praises CHARLOTTE’s new-found confidence, drive, and direction, putting her on the board of directors at the asylum—er, spa.
- Still not leaving his wife, JERRY acts all guilty for letting CHARLOTTE play “mother” to TINA. He gives her yet another cigarette. He lets CHARLOTTE keep TINA and asks, “But will you be happy?”
- CHARLOTTE replies, “Oh, Jerry. Don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars.”
The CLOUD VIEW image fades to black.
CLARENCE
That’s such a sad story. We really need to help her quit smoking.
JORDAN
Well, yes, there’s that. But what else went wrong here? All of the information you need was right there.
CLARENCE presses rewind on the “Don’t let’s ask for the moon” sequence.
CLARENCE
Well, that’s some fairly cheesy dialogue, in my opinion. Mark Twain could have done much better. But I do like the music. Hm, all the information I need, eh? That thing about the moon reminds me of something. And anyway, what’s wrong with asking for the moon?
With an angelic smile, JORDAN starts to swish his majestic AngelWing but stops short, eyeing CLARENCE’s AngelWear ballgown.
JORDAN
You’d better change before heading back to Boston.
THUNDER and LIGHTNING and other HEAVENLY EFFECTS swipe the scene to beyond “The End.”
INT. VALE HOME. EVENING.
As JERRY leaves CHARLOTTE alone in the library, he rejoins TINA with DR. JAQUITH in the living room, where they are eating weenies roasted in the fireplace.
JERRY
Well my darling. It seems you are to stay here with your “light lady,” Camille.
TINA looks bewildered, turning from her father to her doctor.
TINA
Is it true, Dr. Jaquith? Will I never go home anymore?
JAQUITH
What is it you want, Tina? You are healthy enough and grown enough to make your own decisions.
TINA
Daddy, it’s true. Camille is teaching me to stand up for myself, on my own two feet, just like her. And I’m pretty now, too, just like her.
JAQUITH
You’re pretty because you are loved.
JERRY
Yes, my darling, you are loved. But are you truly strong enough to face … whatever dragons may live out there?
TINA
You mean Mother?
JERRY looks down sadly, helplessly. JAQUITH watches warily. The front DOORBELL RINGS.
JACOB "BIFF" MARLEY (voice-over from Heaven)
Bell out of order. Please knock.
There is a KNOCK at the door, which TINA runs to answer. ISABELLE, the estranged wife of JERRY and mother of TINA, enters, accompanied by CLARENCE, now appropriately black-and-white and suitably pinstriped.
TINA
Mother!
ISABELLE
Who? Oh. Um. Hello little girl.
ISABELLE turns to CLARENCE for clarification.
CLARENCE
I’m terribly sorry for the confusion, madam. We were in quite a rush, you see. Christmas Eve and what-not. We didn’t quite get the necessary pages downloaded from headquarters in time for you to study for the part.
MARLEY (voice-over)
I’m just finishing up the second draft now.
JORDAN (voice-over)
Now Biff, don’t try and con me!
CLARENCE
Mrs. Dorrance, of course you must recognize your youngest daughter, Christina, who’s been away at Dr. Jaquith’s mental-health spa.
MARLEY (voice-over)
In improv, always say Yes.
ISABELLE
Yes, of course. Darling Christina. How well you look. Have you been behaving yourself?
TINA (seething)
Yes, of course, Mommy Dearest. (Sotto voce) And my friend Camille taught me how to make it look like an accident!
CHARLOTTE comes out of the library to see what-the-what. TINA grabs a heavy umbrella from the stand by the door. As ISABELLE walks toward the living room, TINA starts to take a mighty swing at her mother’s head. CLARENCE throws out a wing to block the hit. TINA reels around and collapses on the floor.
Motherly, fatherly, and doctorly instincts take hold, and all rush to TINA’s aid. As JERRY and ISABELLE unite to help their daughter, a tender look passes between them. TINA sits up dizzily, beaming as happily as her parents.
CLARENCE opens the door and ushers them all out, as CHARLOTTE and JAQUITH look on.
CLARENCE
Well that was easier than I thought!
CLARENCE follows the family to the edge of the doorway, then reaches around just outside to pull a large, flat package into the room.
CHARLOTTE
Well. Now. It seems I am unneeded after all. And you have lost another patient, Dr. Owl. That won’t help the asylum’s bottom line very much.
JAQUITH
Spa.
CHARLOTTE
Pshaw yourself.
JAQUITH
What’s this twaddle about not being needed? And isn’t about time you started calling me “George”?
CLARENCE
Ha! I knew it!
CHARLOTTE (finally noticing CLARENCE)
I beg your pardon. I would by no means turn away a package-bearing party crasher, but would you be so kind as to introduce yourself?
CLARENCE
Alas and alack, dear lady, allow me to present myself presently. I am Clarence Odbody, AS-1. That’s Angel, First Class, in general charge of mulligans. Putting right what once went wrong, as it were.
CHARLOTTE and JAQUITH exchange smiles.
CHARLOTTE
One loony goes out the door, the next flies through the window, eh Dr. Owl?
JAQUITH
Mr. Odbody, please do have a seat. You must be extremely fatigued after such a long journey.
CLARENCE
Not at all, my good man! Not at all! In fact, I have come merely to present you with this present. For both of you, actually. Call it a … an engagement gift, perhaps?
CLARENCE winks, blinks, and evaporates, leaving no trace behind. Not even a memory.
CHARLOTTE and JAQUITH sit on the floor in front of the fireplace, looking over the new building plans for the spa.
CHARLOTTE
You know, Dr. Owl … George. I was a fool to believe Jerry really loved me. Oh, I know he was attracted to me, of course. But that wasn’t real. Was it?
JAQUITH
I may have to recuse myself from this particular question.
CHARLOTTE
Jerry made me feel beautiful. But I think it was you who made me beautiful. Well, you, and a sweet sister-in-law’s flare for fashion and clever grooming. You made me feel -
JAQUITH
Needed?
CHARLOTTE
No …
JAQUITH
Wanted?
CHARLOTTE
No … Talented. One does want to find a place where one is truly valued, on her own merits.
JAQUITH
And what about feeling loved?
CHARLOTTE
A woman is beautiful when she is loved, and only then.
JAQUITH
I’ll have to remember that one.
CHARLOTTE
And what about you, darling George? Do I make you feel that special kind of beautiful? I hope I do.
JAQUITH
Shall we just have another roasted weenie on it?
CHARLOTTE laughs and fetches a roasted weenie from the fire, handing the skewer to JAQUITH. While he eats, CHARLOTTE opens the package CLARENCE had left for them. It is a hand-drawn poster, with the caption “George Lassos the Moon.” They gaze at it—and each other—lovingly.
FADE TO STARRY, MOON-LIT SKY.
JORDAN
Well done, darling Clarence. What is that, exactly?
CLARENCE
Oh, just a souvenir from my first mission.
MARLEY
Scene stealer.
FADE OUT.
____
Author’s note: Previous Clarence adventures may be perused by following the following links.
Saving Mr. Potter
Christmas Belle, or Saving Miss Fezziwig
Saving Mr. Sawyer
Saving Mr. Jordan
Saving "Big" Susan
Saving Miss Gulch
Happy saving!
Love, hosaa
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