Happy endings being subjective and all, we might sometimes question the wisdom of, for example, sending a young woman of spit and spirit, such as ELIZA DOOLITTLE, back to the intolerant bully who bullied her, even though he offered to improve her future by improving her speech. We might suggest, instead, that such a woman’s future would be brighter with a blighter who adores her, such as, for example, FREDDY EYNSFORD HILL, rather than said bully, PROF. HENRY HIGGINS.
In what universe should even a common flower girl be expected to find satisfaction fetching Higgins’s slippers? Not mine, nor Bernard Shaw’s, nor, as it happens, the corner of the universe commanded by our elegant MR. JORDAN and his chief fixer, Angel CLARENCE ODBODY, of It’s a Wonderful Life fame.
Here comes Mr. Jordan now.
FADE IN.
EXT. HEAVEN AS FLORAL ARRANGEMENT. DAY
JORDAN wanders through a cloud of blooms, a jungle of pastel mums, carnations, and assorted what-nots. At last he discovers CLARENCE, whose usual accustomed AngelWear gown is now completely covered with flowers.
CLARENCE (brightly)
Oh what a beautiful morning, Mr. Jordan! I’m so happy to see you, and in full color once again! Living color, if you’ll pardon the expression.
JORDAN (pulling petals from his mouth)
Clarence, darling, are you sure you have the right musical?
CLARENCE blinks once or twice, conveying unfeigned ignorance.
JORDAN
Never mind. If you please, these bloomin’ blossoms are obstructing a vision I wish to share with you now.
CLARENCE (brushing blossoms from the giant cloud-screen display)
Oh yes, of course. Here we go. I was wondering what you might be calling on me for.
JORDAN
“For what you might be calling on me,” you mean.
CLARENCE blinks once or twice, conveying unfeigned ignorance.
JORDAN
Well, what I mean is, there’s a certain professor down on Earth who is meticulous about the use of the English language. He is, unfortunately, not so meticulous in his abuse of Englishmen, or Englishwomen, in this case. Please observe, dear Clarence. Meet Prof. Higgins and his recent protegee, Miss Eliza Doolittle.
CLARENCE (dreamily)
Oooh, I love that silhouette…
JORDAN
Yes, Miss Doolittle cuts a lovely figure. But you see the problem with this tableau, do you not?
CLARENCE
The hats are nice.
JORDAN
What I mean is, our Professor Pygmalion’s smug satisfaction in his student’s subservience is stultifying and egregious.
CLARENCE
I always look up the word “egregious.”
JORDAN
I’ll try to make this simple, my dear Clarence. Young Eliza Doolittle needs a better fate and, hence, a better mate. We have had a candidate all along. Please meet Freddy—that is, Freddy Eynsford Hill, a young man of good breeding but little fortune and fewer ideas.
CLARENCE
Another nice hat. Is this a story about hats?
JORDAN
Not at all. (Looking CLARENCE over) But I think we’re going to have to alter our travel arrangements this time. Are you at all familiar with quantum leaping?
CLARENCE blinks once or twice, conveying unfeigned ignorance.
JORDAN
No, of course not. Well, rather than squeezing you into a suit of an early 20th century vintage, we will simply transfer your essence into an individual who is already on the premises, one who is trusted by all our principal characters. It will be you who is there, but he who they’ll see.
CLARENCE (brightly)
Him whom they’ll see?
JORDAN
I’m not sure. Let’s move on.
JORDAN waves his enormous AngelWings, sparking a series of sparkly blue bolts of lightning. CLARENCE dissolves into the form of COL. PICKERING, and we are in:
INT. HIGGINS’S STUDY. DAY.
CLARENCE as PICKERING sits at a desk with telephone and some papers.
JORDAN (voice-over)
Remember your mission, darling Clarence, er—Col. Pickering. You must deliver a much happier future for Eliza.
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Righty-oh, boss!
CLARENCE glances through the papers on the desk, looking for anything that might be useful, such as an owner’s manual for operating the strange instrument that used to be known as a telephone. ELIZA wanders into the room, forlorn.
ELIZA
Hello, Col. Pickering. I’ve— I’ve come back, but I’m not certain why. He’ll never change, will he?
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Who, Higgins? Why, I suspect not. Confirmed old bachelor, as he has said so often. Good man, though, at heart. Brilliant, of course. And generous—
ELIZA
Generous with his rude ways, you mean. I’ve been a friend to him, though, as you have, haven’t I? Done his bidding, fetched his slippers, slipped a sly one on the dukes and duchesses and such. Not a kind or friendly word out of him. (Exasperated) Oh, why can’t a man be more like a woman? Return a favor, offer a hand?
CLARENCE/PICKERING
My dear, there there. May I ask a simple, or even simple-minded question?
ELIZA
Do you mean: What do I want?
CLARENCE/PICKERING (picking up the telephone receiver)
I mean: What the Dickens is this thing, and how does one operate it?
ELIZA chuckles indulgently and helps CLARENCE sort through a telephone directory in search of a phone number.
HIGGINS enters, catching ELIZA in her moment of usefulness.
HIGGINS
There, you see, Eliza? You have become an essential part of this household. Or at least essential to Pickering here. You are needed. Isn’t that something? Stay and work for us! There now.
ELIZA (to CLARENCE)
And is that what I want? To be needed?
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Oooh, oooh, I got this! What you need is to be wanted. Amma right?
HIGGINS
Well isn’t that just what I’ve been saying? Eliza, you’re a fool.
ELIZA (mildly mimicking)
Henry, you’re the fool.
HIGGINS, stunned at the girl’s addressing him by his first name, turns to PICKERING for reinforcement.
CLARENCE/PICKERING
I’m afraid I must agree, Higgins. Now where is that number. This place is absolutely desolate without flowers. We must have masses of bouquets and speedy deliveries.
ELIZA
I could go and pick them out myself at the markets in Covent Garden. And I know all the best nurserymen. Do we have space in the courtyard to plant bulbs, d’ya think?
HIGGINS eyes Eliza’s business-like activity with satisfaction. A KNOCK is heard at the door.
HIGGINS
Who the Devil is making that irritating racket?
CLARENCE/PICKERING (scolding)
Higgins! Language!
HIGGINS
All right, who the Dickens is making that irritating racket?
ELIZA
I’ll get it.
ELIZA goes to the front door and opens it a crack.
ELIZA
There now, can’t you read the sign? “Knocker out of order. Please ring bell.”
SHE shuts the door sharply; the doorbell sounds, and she opens it to reveal FREDDY EYNSFORD HILL.
FREDDY steps into the foyer, dripping wet with rain. Upon seeing ELIZA, he tips his hat and spills a gush of water onto her.
ELIZA (reverting to flower-girl-speak)
Owwww, moynd yo’ weather, Dear!
HIGGINS (sniggering)
Speaking of fools!
CLARENCE rushes to ELIZA’s aid with a large bath towel that has mysteriously appeared in his hand.
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Oh, thank you, Mr. Jordan. Here you are, my dear. Please go upstairs, back to your old room, eh? Come down again when you’ve dried yourself off.
ELIZA rushes upstairs. FREDDY’s eyes follow her in a dreamy daze.
FREDDY
She called me “Dear”! And, she sounded so familiar just then. I’m having that, oh, whatcha-call-it sensation.
HIGGINS
Deja vu?
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Bless you.
FREDDY
I came ’round in hope of finding Miss Doolittle’s address, and here she is in your kind hands.
CLARENCE/PICKERING
And we were just thinking of calling you! Small world, small world.
FREDDY
Now that I find you two gentlemen together, I wonder if I might have a moment of your ... uh, each of your ... uh, times.
HIGGINS
We’re in hard times indeed with speakers of our noble language. I can only assume you’ve come for English lessons at Eliza’s recommendation. Well come in, then. Don’t leave a water stain on the rugs.
HIGGINS, CLARENCE, and FREDDY return to the study. HIGGINS begins pouring out port from a large lead-glass carafe; FREDDY takes his while CLARENCE looks up to Heaven for approval before eschewing his share of the port. HIGGINS takes a sincerely fortifying gulp and refills his glass while FREDDY fidgets.
FREDDY
Col. Pickering, Prof. Higgins. You both have been so lucky as to have earned the high regard of my divine angel, Miss Doolittle. Might you tell me the secret to winning her heart? I would so wish for her to return my adoration and consent to be my wife. I'm not nearly worthy of her, I am such a clumsy fool. And I have no income, resources, skills, ambitions, talent, or even ideas. I am connected, however. Surely good connections may be deemed of some worth?
HIGGINS
Eliza doesn't belong to me, you know. She is free to go her own way, just as I am free to kick her out on her floral bouquets. Exactly what do you want of me and Pickering?
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Ooooh, oooh, I know. Pick me!
FREDDY
Colonel?
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Well, Eliza already knows how much you want her. You have written her many letters on the subject, I believe.
FREDDY
Every day! Sheets and sheets!
CLARENCE/PICKERING (glancing at stacks of paper on the desk)
Just so.
HIGGINS
I see where this is going. Yes, Pickering is quite right.
FREDDY blinks his eyes once or twice, conveying unfeigned ignorance.
HIGGINS
In order for Eliza to want you, you must show her that you need her.
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Yes, indeed, and you hit on all those points just a moment ago.
FREDDY blinks his eyes once or twice, conveying unfeigned ignorance.
HIGGINS
What do you really need to assure your own happy future? In other words, what don’t you already have that Eliza, as your wife, would provide? [Beat] I see we’re going to have to slow-walk this one, Pickering.
ELIZA enters the room to complete the slow-walk instruction.
ELIZA (gently)
They mean “income, resources, skills, ambitions, talent, and ideas,” Freddy. I have all those things, I believe, except for income, which neither of us has in hand. Your connections in good society could give us a wonderful start in life.
FREDDY (nearly swooning)
You said “us”!
CLARENCE/PICKERING
Twice! Miss Doolittle, are you thinking about that flower shop idea we discussed in Act II? About our bankrolling your becoming a lady in a shop instead of a common flower girl?
FREDDY
Common flower girl? Do you mean to say, that was you whose violets I spoiled that rainy night?
ELIZA
An ’ole day’s wages, Dear!
HIGGINS
Common my foot. Through my hard work and instruction, I have made Eliza fit for a king.
ELIZA
S’posin’ I ain’t got use for no king. But yes, Colonel. About the flower shop. I have ideas. With Freddy’s connections, we only lack—oh, what’s the word?
HIGGINS and CLARENCE/PICKERING
Capital.
ELIZA
And a little bit of luck! And my old Dad's got that by the barrel!
FREDDY blinks once or twice, conveying unfeigned ignorance.
FREDDY
I say, darling. Just to be clear. Are you asking me to be your— business partner?
ELIZA
Ow, we are proud. (Laughing) I am asking you, my fair Freddy, to be my husband!
HIGGINS
By Jove, I think she’s got it!
CLARENCE/PICKERING
By Mr. Jordan, too!
FREDDY faints into ELIZA’s loving arms. HIGGINS and CLARENCE/PICKERING tango around the room.
The scene DISSOLVES TO:
EXT. STOREFRONT. DAY
Signage on the storefront indicates that the busy floral shop ELIZA and FREDDY now own and operate is named BLOOMIN’ LOVERLY.
Further signage elaborates that the establishment serves the floral catering needs for London’s society weddings, inaugurations, concerts, receptions, balls, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, gender reveal parties, coronations, etc.
Through the storefront window, ELIZA can be seen advising a well-heeled (and hatted) client. Through a window upstairs, FREDDY can be seen rocking a baby in its crib.
FADE OUT.
---
Author’s note: Previous Clarence adventures may be perused by following the following links.
2013: Saving Mr. Potter
2015: Saving Mr. Sawyer
2016: Saving Mr. Jordan
2017: Saving “Big” Susan
2018: Saving Miss Gulch
Happy end-saving!
Love, hosaa
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